The Art of Focusing on the Donut and not the Hole: A Guide to Letting Go and Growing
“Keep your eye on the donut, not the hole.”
This piece is inspired by two things close to my heart: the work of director David Lynch and donuts. Before his recent passing, Lynch, a man who spent decades exploring the subconscious through iconic films and TV series, lived by the mantra: “Keep your eye on the donut, not the hole.” It’s a metaphor worth savouring, especially when it comes to navigating our inner lives. A champion of meditation, Lynch often celebrated how much could be gained from focusing on what’s within our grasp to change.
In today's world, where media channels bombard us with a seemingly endless barrage of disaster and chaos, it can feel impossible not to fixate on the things we cannot control. It has even become a status symbol to compulsively consume media, which can serve as an excuse for not looking inward at what is truly causing day-to-day strife or a lack of meaning. The traffic jam that makes us late, the colleague who never listens, the politicians dismantling democracy, the corporations wreaking havoc, and so on—these are the holes in the donut of existence that can suck us into a cycle of powerlessness and despair.
The courage to change the things we can
The wisdom of Lynch’s donut philosophy echoes the classic Serenity Prayer, a cornerstone of many therapeutic practices: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer, often associated with recovery programmes, reminds us that some things—other people’s opinions, the past, the inevitability of certain losses—are simply beyond our control. Obsessing over them is like staring into the hole of the donut: it leaves us hungry, unsatisfied, and distracted from what truly nourishes us.
Therapists often guide clients toward focusing on what can be actively shaped—their thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and self-awareness—without becoming paralysed by the overwhelming scope of external events. It’s about understanding what’s in your hands and letting go of the rest. A life constantly obsessed with everything outside of ourselves, made even more challenging by the time we spend on social media and content platforms, can lead to dissociation from our true selves.
But what about the donut itself? What can we change? According to psychologist Carl Jung, the answer lies in the shadow self—the parts of our psyche we’d rather ignore. Jung believed that true growth comes from confronting and integrating these hidden aspects of ourselves. It’s not an easy task. The shadow is often home to our fears, insecurities, and unresolved traumas. Yet, by shining a light on these darker corners, we gain the power to transform them. This is the work of the donut: the tangible, actionable steps we can take to improve our lives.
For example, instead of ruminating over why someone isn’t doing what we think they should, we might ask ourselves why we’re so sensitive to their behaviour. Perhaps serenity comes from working to understand others rather than just wanting to be understood. Instead of blaming the world for our stress, we might explore how our own habits contribute to it. This isn’t about self-blame; it’s about self-awareness. As Jung famously said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.”
Awareness, acceptance, action
Of course, focusing on the donut doesn’t mean ignoring the hole entirely. Life’s imperfections are inevitable, and acknowledging them is part of being human. Being educated and informed is what sets us apart from blindly judging. But there’s a difference between acknowledgment and obsession. The former allows us to move forward; the latter keeps us stuck.
So, how do we practise this delicate balance? Start small. Notice when your mind drifts toward the hole—the things you can’t control—and gently redirect it to the donut. What’s one thing you can do today to improve your mood, your relationships, or your sense of purpose? Maybe it’s setting a healthy boundary, talking to someone you trust about a difficult emotion, being of service to others, or simply taking a walk to clear your head. These are the donuts, the tangible steps that lead to real change.
In the end, life is a series of donuts and holes. Some days, the holes will seem bigger and more all-consuming. But if we can focus daily on the donut—the parts of life we can shape and savour—we’ll find a deeper sense of peace and fulfilment. As Lynch reminds us, the donut is where the sweetness lies. Keep your eye on it.
