Are You Shoulding All Over Yourself? The Tyranny of the Idealised Self

In today’s world, where social media and consumerism put constant pressure on us to excel in every area of life, the word should can sneak into almost every sentence. “I should look better/fitter/more rested.”, “I should be further along in my career.”, “I should be the perfect parent.” We say it, we think it, and before we know it, we’re buried under a mountain of expectations—whether self-imposed or externally driven.

Here’s the thing: unlike want, hope, or can, should doesn’t just motivate us; it diminishes us.

Famous psychoanalyst Karen Horney argued that the relentless use of should stems from what she called the tyranny of shoulds. This, she believed, was a key factor in keeping us trapped in cycles of self-criticism, inner conflict, and feelings of inadequacy. When we use should, we aren’t simply guiding ourselves toward a goal; we’re often condemning ourselves for not being where we think we ought to be.

Always Feeling Late for an Appointment That Doesn’t Exist

But why do we should ourselves so relentlessly? Horney suggested that our early years play a significant role. If we grew up in an environment where love and approval were conditional—where we were valued only when we met certain expectations—we develop a mindset that constantly judges and criticises. We internalise the belief that we must always strive to meet specific standards to be worthy.

Horney’s theory of the “idealised self” suggests that this version of ourselves, the one we think we should be, becomes a cruel taskmaster—forever out of reach, yet always pushing us to do more, be more, and feel less. There’s a saying that serenity can be measured by the gap between how we see ourselves and how we want others to see us. The wider the gap, the more we’re likely to chase the next should.

The Tyranny of Shoulds

This developmental trauma—often shaped by emotionally distant or overly critical caregivers—can leave us with a deep sense of inadequacy. From this place of insecurity, should becomes a defence mechanism. We feel we can only be “good enough” by doing more.

Negative reinforcement, where mistakes are punished, is a traditional method of raising children. While many parents use this approach with good intentions, research shows it only teaches children to avoid punishment and internalise self-condemnation. The message shifts from “you made a mistake” to “you are a mistake.” As with pet training, reward-based learning is far more effective. While we’ve largely moved on from the dunce’s hat in favour of gold stars, the words we use toward others and ourselves remain crucial to shaping our core beliefs.

The Freedom of Self-Acceptance

So, what can we gain from embracing who we are and what we can do in the moment? Replacing should with want or can opens up the possibility for choice, not obligation. This shift reminds us that the decision is ours—not something forced upon us by an invisible, external critic.

When you catch yourself saying should, pause and ask, “What’s behind this thought? Why do I feel I need to do this right now? Is it what I want or need?” Being curious rather than self-critical helps uncover the deeper feelings and beliefs that drive your internal shoulds. On the whole, it is suggested not to make decisions out of fear.

Should isn’t inherently bad—it’s just a word we’ve overused and fuels outsourcing our self-esteem, or as Psychologist Carl Rogers puts it, an external locus of evaluation. By changing how we speak to ourselves and reframing our inner dialogue, we can dismantle the tyranny of should and cultivate a kinder, encouraging approach to self-compassion.

Next time you catch yourself shoulding all over yourself, take a breath, and try reframing the thought. Your mental well-being will thank you for it.